Uncertainty

I suffer daily with the battle I wage against my own self. I have a fear of unknown, what if, am I good enough.

I tend to shy away, cower say some. I protect myself. At times I worry I'm too guarded in my heart and soul. I've been broken, but worse I feel was I was barely built up to begin with.

I try my hardest, to be more, give more, accept more. It's so very hard when every fibre of your being screams in agony and terror. I had so many aspirations or dreams nay, whimsical notions of people, place and experiences I wanted in life. I have achieved only two great things in life and at times I worry I have failed them.

To be or not to be?

How easily you can over think something. I do this everyday. I actually almost find comfort in it at times.

Though it can be a killer in my life's efforts to move forward. I try to just "go with it" etc but I lack that ability. I am an emotional reactive person. Though I tend to hide them away. I can numb them off to the rest of the word. Sometimes it's becomes as chaotic as an atom bomb in my heart and mind. They suck.

How do I discern what I want. How do I live and experience without the guilt or worry?

How do you put so much trust and vulnerability into something that had scorned your soul....do you dare to be so brave and uninhibited again? Or do you give half heartedly and wonder what could have been, all while convincing yourself it's for the better it never happened?

Hamlet posed the correct question in his play with Shakespeare's play....."To be or not to be?"

Pisces....Damn zodiac

The Astrological sign of Pisces is usually associated with being extremely creative, sensetive, and artistic, as well as a healthy fascination with the metaphysical and spiritual.

Pisces are the most intuitive and spiritually developed of the zodiac birth signs. Aptly called "old souls", Pisces thirst for spiritual knowledge and personal growth. They are the twelfth, and last, of the Zodiac signs, and as such, tend to have a more finely tuned intuition, sixth sense or extrasensory ability to perceive others feelings.

The duality of the Pisces personality is best described as a constant ebb and flow back and forth, straddling the physical, material world and the ethereal, divine realm where Pisces vivid imagination, powerful intuition and creative daydreaming feel like home.

Pisces are creators. Pisces are common as inventors, writers, musicians, painters, and dancers. Pisces make great friends and mates. Pisces are extremely loyal and caring. Pisces often possess uncanny intuitive or psychic abilities.

Pisces is the 12th sign of the Zodiac and is represented by two fish swimming in opposite directions. The two fish symbolize the internal struggle of the soul within a Pisces. Often, the fish are swimming away from each other in a circle representing life after death or reincarnation. Pisces is considered a feminine or negative sign. Feminine signs are considered more passive, receptive and sensitive than masculine/positive signs.

Pisces are sensitive, humane and often idealistic. People born under this sign react emotionally to everything making them compassionate and sensitive to those around them. Rather than taking an analytical approach to life, pisces react to the feelings of others and as a result can be very influential when they choose to be. In the right situaltion a Pisces can be capable of incredible deeds. The positive nature of a Pisces and the fact that they are tuned into the feelings of others makes them socially popular. <------ okay okay I get it

Being able to read and react to situations makes Pisces one of the most adaptive signs in the Zodiac. They are very intuitive and as a result can be flexible and prosper in many different situations. The intuitive nature of Pisces also makes them a very creative and imaginative sign. Pisces are often artists, writers and dreamers. The strong intuition of a Pisces can also mean that they are very spiritual.

Pisces is one of 3 water signs in the Zodiac, all of which share similar characteristics. Water signs are typically sensitive, emotional (sometimes vulnerable), creative, sensitive and melancholic. The other water signs in the Zodiac that share these characteristics are Cancer and Scorpio.

Two planets, the lucky Jupiter and sensitive Neptune rule Pisces. Jupiter, lord of the gods, fuels a thirst for knowledge and understanding in Pisces and provides a natural lucky streak for the sign. Neptune, king of the sea, provides the sensitive and spiritual qualities in Pisces. Neptune is associated with idealism and compassion, but also with confusion and; deception making Pisces the most impressionable sign in the Zodiac.

cleaning up

Sorting through some past files and pictures. I came across my old blog. Which I happen to find a certain entry, that sorta hurts but gives me hope.

I will never give up on you,
For,
All the times you've sat and sang to me,
Trying to make me better.
So now I'm trying to let you know,
That,
This is the English way it'll make,
Us all fit back together.

It still means the same to me. And I'll keep hoping it means it to everyone else again one day.

Shattered

Scattered pieces on the floor. Broken glass.
The edges of the life once had are sharp and slice deep into the heart and soul.
As you try to put them back into a form of a life again. They cut and sliver.

And still will never be what they once were so true.
Cries of anguish, the sound goes unheard.

The surges of pain pulse upon the floors, what is left of a heart.

Shattered and broken on the floor.

Scattered Expressions

How can I begin to gather expressions, emotions, and thoughts?

Talking seems to get make me the cause of "drama". How can expressing my pain, confusion or any other feelings then? I have to keep things in to save the hearts of others. Then who saves my heart.

When your best friend has told you that all you do is cause drama, or cause pain. How do you view yourself, when all you have tried to do is help or be there. Albeit I am not saying that things I have done - not feeling that it was going to cause a problem - haven't done just that. And yes I take those responsibilities.

Letting them pour out their problems, concerns and worries along with the their joys and happy moments. You give the best you can back, offer positive words and hugs. Everything you can to make it easier or better for them. Offering words of comfort, ideas to help, anything.

But do you know how much your heart breaks when you voice your concerns, fears, worries and you hear "I'm sorry, I don't know what to say." and nothing else. Make it feel like what you are saying doesn't matter to try and find the words. It makes it hard to share with them. Though you still have the want to include them, hear what they think...even though it seems to never come.
I can't stop being there for them, I am their friend. I am supposed to be what they need of me. But sometimes I worry I give too much of myself.